"How to Create a Great Relationship"

By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches

The primary question we get in our coaching practice
is relationship advice is how do you create a great
relationship.Whether it's dating tips or marriage advice
that people need, one of the best ways we know to
create a great relationship is by learning some new
ways to open to each other.

Here's an example of what we mean...

Paul and Cathy have been dating for two and a half years
and although they've had many good times together, they've
fallen into a familiar relationship trap without even knowing it.

Here's the problem:

Paul wouldn't always follow through when he said he would

call or arrange to date with Cathy.  He didn't always do

what he said he would do. 

In the past, Cathy would get very upset with him and tell him

what he was doing wrong.  When she would do this, he would

become defensive and say "Well I just won't say anything

anymore" and clam up. He would back away from her and
become unemotionally available in their relationship.

Because they have a great connection at times, Cathy didn't

want to break up with him, but she also didn't feel respected
when Paul behaved irresponsibly.  She was so frustrated
with this situation that she was becoming jealous and feared
that he was having an affair with another woman.

Cathy was ready to call it quits with Paul because she wasn't
getting the love she needed from him. Paul was frustrated
because he couldn't seem to please her.

Before ending the relationship, she decided to try a different

approach in telling him how she was feeling and she hoped

that it would make a difference.

Here's what she did...

Before she talked with him, she centered herself, got

herself into a calm place and rehearsed how she wanted

to tell him about how his behavior made her feel.

When she talked with him, instead of "beating him up" for not

coming through once again, she asked for what she wanted

in a positive way. 

She said, "When you don't call me when you say you are
going to, I feel unloved and that you don't respect me" and
then gave him some examples.  She also told him that she
may choose to leave the relationship because those times
are very painful for her.

This time he listened, felt her pain and agreed to make the
changes that she asked.

Although she doesn't know if he truly can and will make the

changes she wanted, she felt empowered and knows that

even if he can't follow through and she chooses to leave the

relationship, she was able to say what was true for her in

a way that he could hear and understand in that moment.

What many people often do in relationships is focus on the

negative behavior of others instead of focusing on the result

or the outcome that they want. 

What we've found is that if you continue to stay focused on

what you don't want in your relationships and your life, that's

what you'll get more of-- what you don't want and you may
eventually get a broken heart.

What Cathy did was great. She made the shift from telling
Paul what she didn't want to telling him about her pain and
what she did want in their relationship.

So, how can you use this idea to create a great relationship?

Here are a few simple shifts you can make using this idea

that we think can make big differences in the quality of your

relationships...

1) Take some time to be very clear about what you are feeling

and what you want.  Get into a clear, calm space and listen to

what's inside you.

2) After you know what you want, choose a time to talk with

the other person when they are most likely to be able to hear

you without distractions.

3) You might start the conversation something like this--

"Remember when we were first together and we always made

time just for us?  That's what I'd like for us to do again."

4) Ask very plainly for what you want.  If you don't ask for what

you want, chances are you'll never get it! Trust that you will
be heard.

To continue the example above--"I would like for us to have a

'date' for just the two of us once a week, even if it's taking a

walk together."

Focusing on what you want instead of what you don't want is

an abundance principle that's been taught for thousands of years.

We invite you to put this free relationship advice into practice
to create great relationships.